Carv's Thinky Blog I'm an author with a focus on satirical science fiction.

Not With a Bang But a Whimper

Michael Stiefel, an associate of Martin Luther, confidently predicted the world would end with Christ's coming and judgment on 19 October 1533, at 8:00 sharp in the morning. I'm not sure if that was Zulu, German, or Palestinian time.

Many European luminaries including Isaac Newton were deeply concerned the world would end in 1666. It didn't, though the Plague and the Great Fire of London were certainly no picnic. Newton later recalculated the year of Christ's coming as 1715.

Mary Bateman claimed her miracle chicken laid eggs with fortunes on them, including an apocalyptic prophecy for 1809. She was later caught shoving inscribed eggs back into the back end of the chicken, whose sacrifice for this cause was no doubt considerable.

John Wesley believed the world would end in October 1836.

William Miller and his followers donned white robes and stood on a hillside to await the Rapture on 21 March 1844, then again on 22 October. The heckling crowd on that second occasion convinced the Millerites to give up and...no, they actually rebranded themselves as the Seventh-Day Adventist Church.

Charles Taze Russell insisted the world would end in 1874 and failing that, again, in October 1914. Coincidentally, this latter date marked the onset of World War I. More prosaically, it did not mark the End of the World, so the Russellites gave up and...no, they actually became the Jehovah's Witnesses, who later said confidently the world would end in October 1975. Failing that, they predicted it would end by the end of the twentieth century. These days they're more vague.

David Davidson's exhaustive study of the Pyramids led him to conclude the End would come in 1953.

Walter Simmons' booklet The Day of the Lord said the Day of the Lord would be 10 September 1979.

John Gribbin, science editor of Nature magazine, told Newsweek a planetary alignment would spell disaster in 1982, the year of the so-called "Jupiter effect."

The Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh predicted massive floods, earthquakes, and other cataclysms by the end of the century, including the destruction of Los Angeles, New York, Bombay and Tokyo.

David Koresh and his followers holed up in Waco to prepare for Armageddon in 1995. Two years prior to that, history records, the Branch Davidian compound--also called "Ranch Apocalypse"--was stormed by federal agents.

Louis Farrakhan believed the first Gulf War would be "the War of Armageddon...the final War." That year was 1991.

The Mission for the Coming Days, a Korean church, used numerology and ghostly photos to prove the End would come on 28 October 1992.

Pastor John Hinkle told TBN God promised him Armageddon would begin on 9 June 1994. Pastor Crouch agreed but thought Armageddon might be invisible to the human eye. Outside TBN, we call that CYA.

Aum Shinrikyo, a Japanese cult, released nerve gas in Tokyo subways, partly as a result of its belief the world would end in 1997.

Terminator 2's Judgment Day was set for 29 August 1997, though that date has been moved forward in an increasingly muddled Terminator mythology.

A computer glitch would of course destroy modern civilization as clocks ticked over to 1 January 2000. I was working at Earthlink at the time and fielded numerous panicked calls about this prediction in the months leading up to "Y2K."

Jack Van Impe predicted "global chaos" in 2001, including a globally dominant Islamic church "controlled by demonic hosts." He later admitted he should have said it was the start of the Millennium, not the end. Oops.

Nancy Lieder claimed aliens from Zeta Reticuli informed her that Planet X aka “Nibiru” would pass close by the Earth on 27 May 2003, causing a polar reversal and massive devastation on, one presumes, both planets. Ms. Lieder, who also claimed Comet Hale-Bopp was a fraud perpetrated by the government to confuse hapless citizens, now believes the “Zetas” are preparing us for a Nibiruan flyby in 2010.

According to Ronald Weinland's 2008: God's Final Witness, "If it [the End] doesn't come to pass...starting in April, then I'm nothing but a false prophet." Fair enough. "By January 2009, we (the United States) will be down the tubes." Again, fair enough, but give the new president a fair chance already, will ya?

As noted eschatological scholar Roland Emmerich has observed--witness his staggering historical authenticity in 10,000 B.C.--the Mayan "Long Count" calendar will change eras on 21 December 2012. Experts are unsure exactly what this means, though most agree it will mark the return of the feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl. Funny, I don't remember seeing the Big Q in all those movie trailers.

Most of the legwork for this entry was done by the good folks at Bible.ca, for which I'm grateful as I'm way too busy today to chase it all down. But you can see where I'm going with this: Obviously, I'd never be foolish enough to set a date for the destruction of Sugar Roses. Unless it's today, Friday the 13th of November, 2009. Which it isn't.

Or is it?! Dun, dun, dunnnnnn...Lightfall hardcovers have arrived from the printer. I’m off to Oly to sign preorders, then read and sign fresh copies at Orca Books. See you there!