Carv's Thinky Blog I'm an author with a focus on satirical science fiction.

Rereading the Good Book, Part 1

There is a side of me--and this will probably come as no surprise to anyone--that loves making people analyze their lifelong assumptions. I'm in a privileged position, having been through this already when I left the Jehovah's Witnesses at age twenty. Would I donate blood? Would I vote? If so, for which candidates? Did I believe in evolution? Did I object to homosexuality? Knowing Christmas was a pagan winter solstice festival rather than Jesus's birthday, would I celebrate it anyway? These and a hundred other moral questions had to be addressed in a matter of months. It was scary, but also liberating. I knew exactly why I thought what I thought. Few people can honestly say that, I find, unless the answer is, "I believe what it makes me feel better to believe." Not that there's anything wrong with that, obviously, but it never satisfied me.

My Christian friends sometimes post reassuring Bible verses as their Facebook statuses. I decided to join in the game. Partly, I admit, it was out of sheer contrarianism. As my girlfriend says, I can be such a brat. But I also thought it might get people thinking about religion, which, I hoped, would also get them thinking about my book. Which makes a great gift, by the way!

Here was my Facebook status the morning of April 6: "'A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.'--1 Timothy 2:11-15, NIV"

I made a very deliberate choice to open this line of conversation with a verse from the New Testament. Every time I've ever mentioned an oddball verse from the Old Testament (they're both really old, but whatever), I've been reassured that Jesus died to undo all that. Okay, fine. The Old Testament doesn't count...except it so totally does! After all, most of it was allegedly dictated by God, and all of it, we're told in the New Testament, was "God-breathed" or "inspired of God" or however your favorite translation puts it. In other words, if we agree the Old Testament contains nonsensical ideas, then we have to agree that once upon a time God said nonsensical things. Changing His mind about it later doesn't make it any less nonsensical, especially since we're told (in Numbers 23:19) He never changes His mind.

Anyway, I also made sure to use a widely accepted translation, not the New World Translation I grew up with--aka "that wacky Jehovah's Witness Bible." Apparently some Christians believe the New World Translation of my youth contains the history of Middle-Earth or possibly even recipes for baby's blood meat loaf. Needless to say, the fact that an agnostic posted it, not to mention its awe-inspiring douchiness, elicited numerous retorts. I'm sure my brief comment following the verse ("This is the first of a week of thoughts from the Good Book. Meditate, pray, and discuss these Bible insights") didn't put anyone's mind at rest.

As Bugs Bunny once admitted, "Ain't I a stinka?"

By far my favorite response was Cathlena's, who replied to my invitation to "discuss" by saying, "I can't. I'm being quiet." Mega kudos, Cathlena. Now put on your head covering and learn in submission.

James explained Paul's comments applied only to the congregation of Ephesus. I don't think that's true--after all, his instructions immediately above these verses are to "men everywhere"--but either way, it's still a pretty obnoxious thing to say, isn't it? Other Christians, notably Tim, agreed with me that Paul's instructions were intended for every first-century Christian woman.

I want to admit here that Eric completely busted me on a mistake. I said, all too casually, that most Christian denominations frown on female ministers. He quoted Wikipedia's claim that about half of all Protestant (big qualifier!) Christian denominations ordain women. I think it bears pointing out here that there are over a billion Catholics in the world, none of whom are female ministers--but of course, the Roman Catholic Church is said to be Paul's church, so it only makes sense, plus Catholics don't really count.

Also, "women will be saved through childbearing?" What the what?

I began to imagine the following sketch:

MARCI
Hello, this is Marci from Christian Human Resources. Am I speaking to Paul?

PAUL
Ahoy-hoy.

MARCI
Paul, I'm just clearing up a few questions about your file here. Do you have a few minutes free to talk?

PAUL
Sure, I'm just dashing off a letter to the office in Thessaloniki.

MARCI
Oh, I see. Well, that's...Fine. Paul, I noticed in your file here we don't have any copies of those offices' letters back to you.

PAUL
Yeah, I don't really keep those.

MARCI
You don't. Well, uh...Paul, may I ask your last name?

PAUL
Never had one. Just Paul, ya dig? The Paulinator!

MARCI
I beg your pardon?

PAUL
Never mind. Poor choice of words.

MARCI
Right. Well, Mr....Paul, if I could broach a delicate topic here, we've received a complaint about your policy memo to the office in Ephesus.

PAUL
A complaint? Whaddya mean, a complaint?

MARCI
Yes, they sent me a copy. Did you, in fact, write, "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission?"

PAUL
I believe so. Can't imagine why I wouldn't.

MARCI
Uh-huh. Did you also write, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent?"

PAUL
(laughing) Yeah, that sure sounds like me!

MARCI
Paul...surely you realize that creates a rather hostile work environment?

PAUL
A what with the who now?

MARCI
A hostile work environment. It makes our female employees feel...disempowered.

PAUL
I don't remember ever empowering them.

MARCI
You don't--what? Come again?

PAUL
The purpose of women, y'know, the only way they can truly be fulfilled in the eyes of God, is to have children.

MARCI
Paul, you...No, you...(long pause)...Paul, we just can't have you saying things like that around the office, especially since you have a, well, a history of...Paul, I'm looking at your résumé here, and apparently you used to...torture Jewish people?

PAUL
Yeah, back in the day, y'know. I do feel bad about that.

MARCI
I should certainly hope so!

PAUL
You're not Jewish, are you?

MARCI
Yes, as it happens, I am, Paul, not that it bears on our discussion. I was also born in Ephesus.

PAUL
Oh, well. There ya go. Dear Marci, please see above. (laughing) Shut your talk-hole, warmest regards, blah blah blah.

MARCI
I beg your pardon?!

PAUL
I'm just saying.

MARCI
(long pause) Paul, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to run any interoffice emails by me for a while until we can get this matter straightened out.

PAUL
Screen my emails? Are you kidding me right now?

MARCI
No, I most certainly am not! I'll be noting this conversation in your file, Paul, and any further infractions could lead to serious repercussions up to and including possible loss of employment.

PAUL
Yeah, but...you're kind of a woman, so...

(long pause)

To be continued!

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