By now, I was on a roll, obviously, and I think most Facebook responders were enjoying the debate. James commented, "I tend to like Pascal's wager. Serve God. If He exists and you served Him, you are rewarded. If He doesn't exist, you really aren't penalized. If He does exist and you didn't serve Him, you can't easily earn a reward"--that reward, of course, being Heaven. Pascal's wager is often used to persuade smart-alecks like me to get on board the Jesus Train, and for good reason: His math checks out...but only if you don't consider what's not being said.
What's not being said is the following: If God exists and I didn't serve Him, I'm going straight to Hell. The Bad Place! Gehenna! H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks! James didn't say any of that, of course, probably because he isn't a malevolent a-hole. But it bears consideration, don't you agree? So what if there is a Hell, and I'm consigned to go there for my anti-Biblical musings? I know Christians who love me sometimes worry about things like that, and I appreciate their concern. But I don't lose a minute of sleep over it, and I'll tell you why: If God is so cruel that He'd send me to a torturous, burning Hell for all eternity for the finite sin of reasonable skepticism, a sin that could only have been committed eighty years tops, then I don't want that guy to be my God. He's an unfair potentate. How a never-ending Hades coexists with the notion of a loving, just God is completely beyond me. I reject the idea flat-out.
There are days when I believe in a higher power. I don't know what that higher power is. I don't know if It has a personality. I don't even know if It's real, only that It could be. But a God Who sees all, knows all, has infinite love, cares for each of us, lets us live in pain, then watches as we die in despair; Who allowed us to be born with predilections He despises, then sentences us to burn for them forever in a Hell of His own devising--well, monsieurs et mesdames, I'd sooner convert to a life of Aphrodite worship. At least she had fertility rites.
But I digress.
By now it was Friday, and I wanted to end the week on a positive note, so I picked a Bible passage we could all get behind: "'At that moment [the moment of Christ's death] the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.'--Matthew 27" In other words: Easter Zombies!
Odd that none of the other gospels mention them...
April 15: "Good morning, fans of oddball Bible verses. May I cheerfully point you to Genesis 12:10-20. Keep in mind, this cat was the founding patriarch of three world religions. While we're at it, I've also linked to an amusing compilation of 'Bible Advice [1].'"
I'll save you the trouble of Googling those verses in Genesis. Here they are, from the ever-popular New International Version:
"Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram [aka Abraham] went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai [aka Sarah], 'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife." Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'
"When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.
"But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. 'What have you done to me?' he said. 'Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, "She is my sister," so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!' Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had."
Okay, uhhh...what?
So let me get this straight: Abraham's moving to Egypt, but his wife Sarah's so hot he's worried Pharaoh might just off him to take her. Would Pharaoh do that? No. He wouldn't. He's the Pharaoh. He could yoink her no matter who she was. But if she's Abram's sister, at least he can sell her to Pharaoh. So he does! He whores his own wife out to Pharaoh, who rewards him handsomely until God gives the Pharaoh's family diseases (sexually transmitted diseases, not to put too fine a point on it). So then Pharaoh's so incredibly angry that he...lets Abraham go with all his ill-gotten pimp money! Does that add up to you? No, it doesn't to me, either, but such are the wonders of Genesis, the Bible's wackiest book until its last one.
So there's your founding patriarch, Judeo-Christians! Let us now praise famous men! What a guy.
Incidentally, the Bible Advice citation mentioned above was accompanied by a verse from Ezekiel 12, in which a rather grandiose angel speaking for YHWH instructs Ezekiel on how to illustrate the prophesied siege of Jerusalem. First Ezekiel was to lay on his left side facing a model of the city...and stay there for 390 days. (Suck on that, David Blaine!) Time allotted for bathroom breaks? Nada. Then Ezekiel was to repeat this stunt on his right side for a trivial forty days. The angel promised, "I will tie you up with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have finished the days of your siege." Kinky!
At least Ezekiel would have snacks, but Bourdain-style food porn this is not: "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt [Mmm! Spelt!]; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side. Weigh out twenty shekels [eight whole ounces] of food to eat each day and eat it at set times. Also measure out a sixth of a hin [.6 liters] of water and drink it at set times. Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel." In the army they call that "shit on a shingle," right? BAM!
To be fair, Ezekiel whined about kosher violations, so the Voice of God relented: "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement." Oh, thanks, YHWH. You're all heart.
Coming up next on Martha Stewart Live, we'll show you amazing new camp cookery techniques that'll satisfy even the most joyless vegan gorp-muncher...while saving you the hassle of digging a latrine!
...To be concluded tomorrow, with just a dash of Bible science--followed by what will almost certainly be too much snotty self-justification!