Carv's Thinky Blog I'm an author with a focus on satirical sci-fi and agnostic commentary.


Yay, Birth Control!

Yesterday a group of 43 Catholic organizations across the country sued the Obama administration to keep from having to include birth control among their insurance provisions. I'm not oblivious to the deep offense they feel at being "encouraged" to allow parishioners to violate papal commandments, and on their insurance companies' collective dime. But let's remember a few facts.

1. The Bible never says anything about birth control. Never. Not one thing.

2. It does command Adam and Eve to fill and subdue the Earth, but hey, mission accomplished. By any rational consideration, the human population on Earth is already excessive, as is our impact on the environment.

3. The Adam and Eve story is nonsense anyway. It's a myth. Even the Vatican acknowledges that.

4. The Pope is not, in fact, infallible when he speaks under any circumstances. Even Catholics know that, which is why...

5. Even by the most stringent criteria, two-thirds of Catholic women are on birth control.

How much do Baptists really care about keeping Catholic women off the pill? I think it's readily apparent that Republicans, most of them Protestant, are goading Catholics to object to this tiny aspect of health care reform in order to keep us from remembering that health care reform is terrific. Remember Sicko? Remember how we were all begging for health care reform a few years ago? Anyone out there nostalgic for the good old days of preexisting conditions? You, sir? Nobody?

The GOP knows what most voters do not: that when Obamacare kicks in for real in 2014, most people are going to love it. It solves so many problems and creates so few new ones. Of course the Affordable Care Act is in jeopardy in the sharply divided Supreme Court, but even then some new policy will survive. And the louder Fox News yells about it, the clearer it becomes that there will be much rejoicing in 2014. It's the kind of sweeping improvement to all our lives that could make things really difficult for Republicans in elections for years, especially after the lingering embarrassment of the Bush-Cheney era. In fact it exemplifies the positive change Obama promised in 2008, and which even many Democrats claim he's failed to deliver. But he did, despite years of monolithic opposition, and your parents (or you) may live longer because of it...and without being forced to declare bankruptcy.

Also, prohibiting birth control is stupid. I know it's totally gauche to call somebody's heartfelt religious beliefs a name, but this sincere belief is stupid. If you have that belief, and you're a friend, I'm not calling you stupid. I'm calling the Pope stupid, on this point if no other. Don't be stupid like his stupid belief. If you have that belief and you're a reader but not a friend, accept what I'm saying as knowledge almost everyone possesses but is too polite to tell you. Birth control prevents overpopulation, and God is not in favor of overpopulation. Birth control regulates menstrual cycles, and God doesn't want you to have weird menstrual cycles. Birth control allows people to enjoy marital sex without having to raise a new baby every year. One baby is delightful. Two babies is fun. A dozen babies is gross.

Granted, most religions are opposed to premarital sex, but most religious people actually aren't. That's why 80 percent of young evangelicals have premarital sex. Heck, even Brigham Young students have premarital sex. If you're a Protestant or Catholic Christian reading this and trying to work up a case of high moral dudgeon, take a deep breath and remember: you had premarital sex. Did it kill you? It did not. Did God curse your family unto the sons of your sons? He did not.

We don't believe premarital sex is bad anymore. I know we have to pretend we do when we're talking to other people in our churches, but we don't believe that...because it isn't...if you're careful. And birth control is how people who have premarital sex go about being careful. And smart. Premarital sex is how people shop for a sex partner they can stand having sex with for decades, aka a spouse. That's not immoral. It's just basic common sense.

Democrats like to call birth control "family planning," as if the whole point was to have kids. That's disingenuous. The point is to not have kids until you want and are ready to have kids. Call it "life planning" instead, fellow thinkers. And Catholic pundits, let this one go. You just sound stupid when you talk about it.

It's not nice to call any religious belief stupid. I know that. So why am I doing it? Because it's even more offensive to cost women their health or life plans just to score empty political points against a president you dislike. Also, this particular papal belief is incredibly stupid, which is why almost nobody has it.

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  1. The really rough part for the right wing is that Barack Obama didn’t turn out to be nearly as bad as they hoped he would, and they ended up looking like bigots, militia members, and hillbillies.

  2. “Looking like?”

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