Rereading the Good Book, Part 3
By now, I was on a roll, obviously, and I think most Facebook responders were enjoying the debate. James commented, "I tend to like Pascal's wager. Serve God. If He exists and you served Him, you are rewarded. If He doesn't exist, you really aren't penalized. If He does exist and you didn't serve Him, you can't easily earn a reward"--that reward, of course, being Heaven. Pascal's wager is often used to persuade smart-alecks like me to get on board the Jesus Train, and for good reason: His math checks out...but only if you don't consider what's not being said.
What's not being said is the following: If God exists and I didn't serve Him, I'm going straight to Hell. The Bad Place! Gehenna! H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks! James didn't say any of that, of course, probably because he isn't a malevolent a-hole. But it bears consideration, don't you agree? So what if there is a Hell, and I'm consigned to go there for my anti-Biblical musings? I know Christians who love me sometimes worry about things like that, and I appreciate their concern. But I don't lose a minute of sleep over it, and I'll tell you why: If God is so cruel that He'd send me to a torturous, burning Hell for all eternity for the finite sin of reasonable skepticism, a sin that could only have been committed eighty years tops, then I don't want that guy to be my God. He's an unfair potentate. How a never-ending Hades coexists with the notion of a loving, just God is completely beyond me. I reject the idea flat-out.
There are days when I believe in a higher power. I don't know what that higher power is. I don't know if It has a personality. I don't even know if It's real, only that It could be. But a God Who sees all, knows all, has infinite love, cares for each of us, lets us live in pain, then watches as we die in despair; Who allowed us to be born with predilections He despises, then sentences us to burn for them forever in a Hell of His own devising--well, monsieurs et mesdames, I'd sooner convert to a life of Aphrodite worship. At least she had fertility rites.
But I digress.
By now it was Friday, and I wanted to end the week on a positive note, so I picked a Bible passage we could all get behind: "'At that moment [the moment of Christ's death] the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.'--Matthew 27" In other words: Easter Zombies!
Odd that none of the other gospels mention them...
April 15: "Good morning, fans of oddball Bible verses. May I cheerfully point you to Genesis 12:10-20. Keep in mind, this cat was the founding patriarch of three world religions. While we're at it, I've also linked to an amusing compilation of 'Bible Advice.'"
I'll save you the trouble of Googling those verses in Genesis. Here they are, from the ever-popular New International Version:
"Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram [aka Abraham] went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai [aka Sarah], 'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife." Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'
"When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.
"But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. 'What have you done to me?' he said. 'Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, "She is my sister," so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!' Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had."
Okay, uhhh...what?
So let me get this straight: Abraham's moving to Egypt, but his wife Sarah's so hot he's worried Pharaoh might just off him to take her. Would Pharaoh do that? No. He wouldn't. He's the Pharaoh. He could yoink her no matter who she was. But if she's Abram's sister, at least he can sell her to Pharaoh. So he does! He whores his own wife out to Pharaoh, who rewards him handsomely until God gives the Pharaoh's family diseases (sexually transmitted diseases, not to put too fine a point on it). So then Pharaoh's so incredibly angry that he...lets Abraham go with all his ill-gotten pimp money! Does that add up to you? No, it doesn't to me, either, but such are the wonders of Genesis, the Bible's wackiest book until its last one.
So there's your founding patriarch, Judeo-Christians! Let us now praise famous men! What a guy.
Incidentally, the Bible Advice citation mentioned above was accompanied by a verse from Ezekiel 12, in which a rather grandiose angel speaking for YHWH instructs Ezekiel on how to illustrate the prophesied siege of Jerusalem. First Ezekiel was to lay on his left side facing a model of the city...and stay there for 390 days. (Suck on that, David Blaine!) Time allotted for bathroom breaks? Nada. Then Ezekiel was to repeat this stunt on his right side for a trivial forty days. The angel promised, "I will tie you up with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have finished the days of your siege." Kinky!
At least Ezekiel would have snacks, but Bourdain-style food porn this is not: "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt [Mmm! Spelt!]; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side. Weigh out twenty shekels [eight whole ounces] of food to eat each day and eat it at set times. Also measure out a sixth of a hin [.6 liters] of water and drink it at set times. Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel." In the army they call that "shit on a shingle," right? BAM!
To be fair, Ezekiel whined about kosher violations, so the Voice of God relented: "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement." Oh, thanks, YHWH. You're all heart.
Coming up next on Martha Stewart Live, we'll show you amazing new camp cookery techniques that'll satisfy even the most joyless vegan gorp-muncher...while saving you the hassle of digging a latrine!
...To be concluded tomorrow, with just a dash of Bible science--followed by what will almost certainly be too much snotty self-justification!
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April 22nd, 2010 - 15:09
Christian,
I thought this discertation to be appropriate along about now.
GOD VS.SCIENCE…
I wanted to share this debate between a professor and a student. You will be surprised with the ending.
God vs. Science
‘Let me explain the problem science has with religion.’
The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
‘You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?’
‘Yes sir,’ the student says.
‘So you believe in God?’
‘Absolutely.. ‘
‘Is God good?’
‘Sure! God’s good.’
‘Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?’
‘Yes’
‘Are you good or evil?’
‘The Bible says I’m evil.’
The professor grins knowingly. ‘Aha! The Bible! He considers for a moment. ‘Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?’
‘Yes sir, I would.’
‘So you’re good!’
‘I wouldn’t say that.’
‘But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn’t.’
The student does not answer, so the professor continues. ‘He doesn’t, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?’
The student remains silent. ‘No, you can’t, can you?’ the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. ‘Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?’
‘Er..yes,’ the student says.
‘Is Satan good?’
The student doesn’t hesitate on this one. ‘No.’
‘Then where does Satan come from?’
The student falters. ‘From God’
‘That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son… Is there evil in this world?’
‘Yes, sir..’
‘Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything, correct?’
‘Yes’
‘So who created evil?’ The professor continued, ‘If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.’
Again, the student has no answer. ‘Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?’
The student squirms on his feet. ‘Yes.’
‘So who created them?’
The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. ‘Who created them?’ There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. ‘Tell me,’ he continues onto another student. ‘Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?’
The student’s voice betrays him and cracks. ‘Yes, professor, I do.’
The old man stops pacing. ‘Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?’
‘No sir. I’ve never seen Him.’
‘Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?’
‘No, sir, I have not..’
‘Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?’
‘No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.’
‘Yet you still believe in him?’
‘Yes’
‘According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?’
‘Nothing,’ the student replies.. ‘I only have my faith.’
‘Yes, faith,’ the professor repeats. ‘And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.’
The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. ‘Professor, is there such thing as heat? ‘
Yes.
‘And is there such a thing as cold?’
‘Yes, son, there’s cold too.’
‘No sir, there isn’t.’
The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. ‘ You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called ‘cold’. We can hit d own to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use
to describe
the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold Is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.’
Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.
‘What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?’
‘Yes,’ the professor replies without hesitation. ‘What is night if it isn’t darkness?’
‘You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?’
The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. ‘So what point are you making, young man?’
‘Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.’
The professor’s face cannot hide his surprise this time. ‘Flawed? Can you explain how?’
‘You are working on the premise of duality,’ the student explains. ‘You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought.’ ‘It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.’ ‘Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?’
‘If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.’
‘Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?’
The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.
‘Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?’
The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. ‘To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.’ The student looks around the room. ‘Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain?’ The class breaks out into laughter. ‘Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelt the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.’ ‘So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust
your lectures,
sir?’
Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. ‘I Guess you’ll have to take them on faith.’
‘Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,’ the student continues… ‘Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?’ Now uncertain, the professor responds, ‘Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.’
To this the student replied, ‘Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.’
The professor sat down.
If you read it all the way through and had a smile on your face when you finished, mail to your friends and family with the title ‘God vs. Science’
PS: the student was Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein wrote a book titled God vs. Science in 1921
April 22nd, 2010 - 15:38
After 10 seconds on Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp
My problem (among many) with Pascal’s Wager is best illustrated in this scene from South Park:
Speaker: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I’m the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-
Man 4: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn’t be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well I’m afraid you were wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah’s Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director: I’m afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd: [disappointed] Awww.
April 22nd, 2010 - 15:49
Scott, I found the same Snopes story. Of course, the professor wasn’t Einstein; he’s a fictional character. But even if we allow for dramatic license, the story has a glaring flaw. Evil isn’t the absence of good. Evil is, and I’m quoting Merriam-Webster here, “1. the fact of suffering, misfortune, and wrongdoing 2. a source of sorrow, distress, or calamity.” If God is all-powerful and all-seeing, and His creations still suffer sorrow, distress or calamity from conditions He allows to exist, then I think the shoe fits. And if God writes evil laws, as I think I’ve amply demonstrated, then we are allowed to question whether He is all good. We are certainly allowed, and I think required, to ask whether those acting in His name can be trusted to select the good laws out of all the other Biblical “wisdom.” Obviously atheists haven’t always done a great job of governing with compassion (Stalin comes to mind), and I’m not volunteering for the job. But when slavery, car bombs, clinic bombs, nine Crusades, 9/11, the Holocaust, the Murrah Building, and the Inquisition were all justified by their perpetrators on moral grounds, I begin to wonder if evil is any less common inside religion than out of it.
April 22nd, 2010 - 16:30
The story has many glaring flaws, but I thought the most ironic one was a Christian story using lies (Einstein, logical fallacies, misconceptions of evolution, etc.) to assert its point.