Carv's Thinky Blog I'm an author with a focus on satirical science fiction.

Rereading the Good Book, Part 4: Revelation

Before I finish this long missive, allow me to list ten scary things I didn't use it to say:

1. There is no God.
2. There is no afterlife.
3. Organized religion is purely destructive.
4. Atheists make better leaders.
5. All Christians are fools.
6. All Christians are bigots.
7. Christianity is evil.
8. The Bible is evil.
9. The Bible is completely untrue.
10. We should ban religion.

I didn't say those ten things because I don't believe any of them are true. I suspect there's no afterlife, largely because I've never seen compelling evidence for it; "wouldn't it be great" doesn't constitute proof. I don't believe in Zeus. I roll my eyes at Marduk worshipers. I have serious issues with Kali, less serious issues with Loki. I'm a total agnostic when it comes to Vishnu. And for very similar reasons, I find the Biblical description of YHWH preposterous. Stephen Roberts put it perfectly: "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." But that's not to say I don't believe in God at all. I don't know. I wonder sometimes if evolution had help. I wonder if the Big Bang was really an accident. I believe there may be a force that runs counter to entropy. But Yah the ancient Hebrew war god? Not so much.

I don't think atheists are inherently better or smarter people than Christians. Perhaps we're a bit braver when it comes to nonconformity; we do, after all, pay a price for our differences. I wish I could say atheist leaders have done a better job ruling the masses, but no, they're subject to the same greed, unkindness, and violence as any other human being. I don't think the Bible is nothing but a pack of lies; some of it is honest history, and some is among the most beautiful prose and poetry in world history. I quote the "Samaritan woman at the well" story extensively in my book; it inspires me, and the closer I read the more inspiring it gets. Religion, too, has been an agent of kindness the world over. I love Handel's Messiah and MacLeish's J.B. For every Torquemada there's been a Maksymilian Kolbe.

(Perhaps you've never heard of St. Kolbe. If not, Gentle Reader, get ready to reach for some Kleenex: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maximilian_Kolbe)

I know most Christians are good, kind, intelligent, hardworking people who would never use their religion or some verse in a sacred text to justify cruelty. I watch who reads and comments on my blog, and I love many of you as dear friends. I smile as you comfort each other in Christian compassion, nod respectfully when you say grace, visit your churches on major holidays, and appreciate your Jesus-fish tattoos. I also smirk a bit when you laud Biblical standards I know good and well you've ignored in the past, but hey, nobody's perfect, and I certainly don't claim the moral high ground.

So what is my game? Why am I doing all this? Is it just to stir up trouble? Is it because I "need to get out more?" Maybe. Is it to attract attention from potential book buyers? You betcha! Lightfall may not be flying off the shelves, but it's doing okay, and I still permit myself the hope it'll catch fire in the market someday. But there's another reason, which I'll get to in a minute. I guess you might say it's my agenda, one I've stated before. It's the biggest reason I wrote that particular novel in the first place.

The Bible is not flawless history. We doubt the idea that Herod murdered the firstborn of Judea--it isn't mentioned by Flavius Josephus or in any other gospel--and we suspect the Deluge in Genesis is actually a reworking of the Mesopotamian legend of "Utnapishtim." Of the Battle of Jericho, archaeologist Bill Dever once said, "If you want a miracle, here's your miracle: Joshua destroyed a city that wasn't even there." The Bible's science is downright ridiculous. It claims humanity is only six thousand years old, even though the Jiahu settlements in China can be reasonably dated some two and a half millennia before that, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of years of hominid fossils that predate written history. It believes in a flat (Isaiah 11:12), immobile (Psalm 93:1) earth with a radiant moon (Genesis 1:16) under a solid dome (Job 37:18), the Firmament. It requires lepers to be "cleansed" in animal blood (Leviticus 14), and says some insects have four legs (Leviticus 11). You could even make a case that Biblical engineers thought pi was the rational whole number 3, based on 1 Kings 7:23 and 2 Chronicles 4:2. Really, Bible writers didn't appear to know any more about science than anyone else who lived in their time or place. There's certainly nothing in the Bible that would stagger us with its divine scientific insight, and there's much that is flat-out ludicrous.

You might point out, as others have, that it doesn't matter whether Adam and Eve existed. If so, then some of the New Testament writers disagreed with you. Luke, for example, goes to great pains to claim Jesus was a direct descendant of Adam. In 1 Corinthians 15, Paul says Jesus's martyrdom was necessary to effect "the resurrection of the dead." If there was no historical Adam, it becomes difficult to explain the Crucifixion in a positive way; instead, we begin to wish Jesus had lived longer and spoke more. I certainly do. You may not accept my self-description as a "Christian agnostic," but I am a Jesus fan, born and raised. He's my hero, the greatest man in all of western civilization, an unreachable example to us all. The Bible is not all bad. It's not all stupid. It's not all irrelevant. And it's not all mythology. But it ain't perfect, even though it claims to be.

James brought up Pascal's wager. If I'm wrong about the Bible and true believers in it are right, they gain the everlasting glories of Heaven while I burn in Hell for my dissent. I agree, that's a pretty effective bribe. But the Wager claims you lose nothing if you're wrong. Is that true? It sounds true. Perhaps it is true. Perhaps you lose nothing.

We, however, lose a lot.

Exodus 21 shows slavery was not only condoned in the Bible, but institutionalized within "God's chosen tribe." Genocide was encouraged (Leviticus 26), including acts of nauseating cruelty (Psalm 137:8 and 9; Nahum chapter 3, especially verse 10: "[Nineveh's] infants were dashed to pieces at the head of every street"). Evil is rampant in the Good Book, and sometimes at the behest of an angry, jealous God. I don't think I'm out of line when I say angry, jealous, bigoted, murderous humans have used the Bible to justify all manner of ongoing atrocity: the Inquisition, nine Crusades, the Holocaust, American slavery, even the Oklahoma City bombing (linked to Elohim [Hebrew for "God" or "gods"] City, a compound of the white supremacist Christian Identity sect). Okay, so you, my kind Christian readers, would never blow up an abortion clinic or a government office building. But you've asked me what I lose if I'm wrong, so can't I be allowed to ask, "Yeah, but what if I'm right?"

What if I'm right that Adam and Eve never existed? If Genesis is nothing more than a self-contradictory Hebrew myth (after all, Genesis does tell the story two different ways; the dividing line falls between chapters 1 and 2), then maybe we should give evolution a serious look? If you're watching Life on Discovery HD, you're familiar with the blue-spotted mudskipper, a fish that breathes air and "crutches" along on its elbow-like pectoral fins. Researches have tracked evolutionary changes in Galapagos finches over several decades, a mere moment on the terrestrial timeline. Evolution is a fact, Gentle Reader. We've watched it happening. There's a mountain of evidence to prove it, compared to...what? A charming story about a snake talking two naked people into defying God by eating magic fruit? Are you serious?

Maybe you're one of countless Christians who accept the Bible as allegorical rather than literal truth. That's fine. I agree, it's a wonderful book. But why, then, must I accept Biblical instructions to condemn certain sexual behaviors? "It isn't natural," many Christians insist. I would point out that neither is the Pill, nor oral sex between heterosexuals, nor sex toys, nor fertility treatments, nor tampons, nor Caesarean sections--the list goes on and on. If we're only allowed to do natural things, it's not just my sex life that'll be severely limited. I'll also have to give up everything from TV to Nutra-Sweet. "Okay," you admit, "but it's still a sinful behavior, just like fornication." Yet the Song of Solomon describes some hot, sweaty foreplay between a couple who give no indication of being married. Bible scholars can't even agree on what is meant by the Greek word porneia, commonly translated as "fornication." Jesus claimed even thinking about adultery was a sin; good luck enforcing that one.

Look, homophobia is just one way Biblical "morality" is still being used to condemn and exclude people, but it's a shameful one. I know the Bible bans homosexuality. It also bans the mixing of wool and linen in the same garment (Leviticus 19:19), physical contact with a menstruating woman (Leviticus 15:19-20), foolish talk (Ephesians 5:4), gossip (Leviticus 19:16), and pork. I know, I know, Jesus changed all that--but then Paul tried to change some of it back. And in John 14, Jesus asks Philip, "Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me." If that's true, then in some sense Jesus was the God of the Torah, the same deity who endorsed all the illogic, injustice and cruelty of the Old Testament.

What if I'm right? What if we should ignore all the irrational, unwelcoming, judgmental, unmerciful verses of the Bible and just focus on those verses that make us kinder people? Would civilization suffer or benefit? Is it possible to imagine a Christian faith absolutely free of racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, and the demonization of physical pleasure? You may say I'm a dreamer, Gentle Reader, but I'm not the only one. I don't want the overthrow of your religion. I want its improvement. I want it to grow past the sterling moral examples of Abram, Noah (Genesis 9:20-25), Paul, Lot (who offered his own daughters up for gang rape--geez, just read all of Genesis 19--it'll blow your mind)...all those Biblical "heroes." Like Bishop John Shelby Spong, I think "Christianity Must Change or Die," but preferably the former.

I don't reject the whole Bible. I don't think it's the only source of eternal wisdom. I think great spiritual and moral insights can be gained from Zen koans, the Koran, Aesop's fables, or for that matter, The Empire Strikes Back. But "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace [Romans 8:6]," and what could be wrong with that?

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."--Romans 8:38-39

I began all this with some lousy advice from Paul to the Ephesians. It's only fair, then, that I end with something he got right. I honestly couldn't say this any more beautifully than he did. I end with a prayer, from Paul to Timothy in Ephesians 3, and I bid you love and peace. Until next time, shalom, Gentle Readers, my brothers and sisters wherever you may be.

"I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

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Rereading the Good Book, Part 3

By now, I was on a roll, obviously, and I think most Facebook responders were enjoying the debate. James commented, "I tend to like Pascal's wager. Serve God. If He exists and you served Him, you are rewarded. If He doesn't exist, you really aren't penalized. If He does exist and you didn't serve Him, you can't easily earn a reward"--that reward, of course, being Heaven. Pascal's wager is often used to persuade smart-alecks like me to get on board the Jesus Train, and for good reason: His math checks out...but only if you don't consider what's not being said.

What's not being said is the following: If God exists and I didn't serve Him, I'm going straight to Hell. The Bad Place! Gehenna! H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks! James didn't say any of that, of course, probably because he isn't a malevolent a-hole. But it bears consideration, don't you agree? So what if there is a Hell, and I'm consigned to go there for my anti-Biblical musings? I know Christians who love me sometimes worry about things like that, and I appreciate their concern. But I don't lose a minute of sleep over it, and I'll tell you why: If God is so cruel that He'd send me to a torturous, burning Hell for all eternity for the finite sin of reasonable skepticism, a sin that could only have been committed eighty years tops, then I don't want that guy to be my God. He's an unfair potentate. How a never-ending Hades coexists with the notion of a loving, just God is completely beyond me. I reject the idea flat-out.

There are days when I believe in a higher power. I don't know what that higher power is. I don't know if It has a personality. I don't even know if It's real, only that It could be. But a God Who sees all, knows all, has infinite love, cares for each of us, lets us live in pain, then watches as we die in despair; Who allowed us to be born with predilections He despises, then sentences us to burn for them forever in a Hell of His own devising--well, monsieurs et mesdames, I'd sooner convert to a life of Aphrodite worship. At least she had fertility rites.

But I digress.

By now it was Friday, and I wanted to end the week on a positive note, so I picked a Bible passage we could all get behind: "'At that moment [the moment of Christ's death] the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.'--Matthew 27" In other words: Easter Zombies!

Odd that none of the other gospels mention them...

April 15: "Good morning, fans of oddball Bible verses. May I cheerfully point you to Genesis 12:10-20. Keep in mind, this cat was the founding patriarch of three world religions. While we're at it, I've also linked to an amusing compilation of 'Bible Advice.'"

I'll save you the trouble of Googling those verses in Genesis. Here they are, from the ever-popular New International Version:

"Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram [aka Abraham] went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai [aka Sarah], 'I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, "This is his wife." Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.'

"When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.

"But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. 'What have you done to me?' he said. 'Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, "She is my sister," so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!' Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had."

Okay, uhhh...what?

So let me get this straight: Abraham's moving to Egypt, but his wife Sarah's so hot he's worried Pharaoh might just off him to take her. Would Pharaoh do that? No. He wouldn't. He's the Pharaoh. He could yoink her no matter who she was. But if she's Abram's sister, at least he can sell her to Pharaoh. So he does! He whores his own wife out to Pharaoh, who rewards him handsomely until God gives the Pharaoh's family diseases (sexually transmitted diseases, not to put too fine a point on it). So then Pharaoh's so incredibly angry that he...lets Abraham go with all his ill-gotten pimp money! Does that add up to you? No, it doesn't to me, either, but such are the wonders of Genesis, the Bible's wackiest book until its last one.

So there's your founding patriarch, Judeo-Christians! Let us now praise famous men! What a guy.

Incidentally, the Bible Advice citation mentioned above was accompanied by a verse from Ezekiel 12, in which a rather grandiose angel speaking for YHWH instructs Ezekiel on how to illustrate the prophesied siege of Jerusalem. First Ezekiel was to lay on his left side facing a model of the city...and stay there for 390 days. (Suck on that, David Blaine!) Time allotted for bathroom breaks? Nada. Then Ezekiel was to repeat this stunt on his right side for a trivial forty days. The angel promised, "I will tie you up with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have finished the days of your siege." Kinky!

At least Ezekiel would have snacks, but Bourdain-style food porn this is not: "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt [Mmm! Spelt!]; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself. You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side. Weigh out twenty shekels [eight whole ounces] of food to eat each day and eat it at set times. Also measure out a sixth of a hin [.6 liters] of water and drink it at set times. Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel." In the army they call that "shit on a shingle," right? BAM!

To be fair, Ezekiel whined about kosher violations, so the Voice of God relented: "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement." Oh, thanks, YHWH. You're all heart.

Coming up next on Martha Stewart Live, we'll show you amazing new camp cookery techniques that'll satisfy even the most joyless vegan gorp-muncher...while saving you the hassle of digging a latrine!

...To be concluded tomorrow, with just a dash of Bible science--followed by what will almost certainly be too much snotty self-justification!

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Rereading the Good Book, Part 2

Before I went to sleep on April 6, I posted this charming verse:

"'If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.'--Deuteronomy 22:28-29"

Tough but fair. According to the New Jerusalem Bible, a shekel of silver was a unit of weight equal to about .39 ounces. Fifty of those would be 19.5 ounces. As of April 7, silver was worth $18.19 an ounce, so fifty shekels (19.5 ounces) would be worth $354.71. "Good," Donna replied. "That's what he gets. I hope she turned into a harridan."

"What's your game?" Kevin asked, a question I dodged by answering, "Scrabble!" I did that for two reasons. First, I knew this blog series was coming, so I'd answer it then. Second, I didn't know the answer yet. Yes, I'm contrarian. That was part of it. It took me until yesterday to realize what I was up to, so I'll save that to build narrative tension. I'm a writer-type person!

April 7: "['Then the LORD said to Moses...'] 'If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.'--Exodus 21:20-21"

The "LORD said" bit is from the chapter before, just for context. Incidentally, the verse from Exodus 21 is from the same divine lecture in which "the LORD" (an NIV substitute for "YHWH," the personal name of the Hebrew God) gave us the Ten Commandments. These slave-beating restrictions, then, have equal weight with Thou Shalt Not Kill. Let's set aside the issue of whether God should condone slavery. I think we all agree He dropped the ball on that one. But beating your male or female slave within an inch of his or her life, then getting off scot-free because he or she rallies a day later, well...that just seems...okay, I'm gonna say it, so...stay with me here...immoral. The Bible, at least the parts God dictated in Exodus, are not always moral. There, I said it. I'll fall on the sword. I'm the bad guy.

"But what if he beats his male or female slave with something else," Colin asked, "like pillows?"

As he is wont to do, Eric posed a reasonable, intelligent, compassionate rebuttal. I hope he won't mind if I quote it extensively here:

"If it's not fair for someone to cherry pick only the verses that they like to defend the bible and/or Christianity, why is it fair for someone to cherry pick only the verses they don't like to tear it down?...I, as a Christian, am told by atheists that what I believe is 'myth and fantasy,' outdated, irrelevant...and even downright stupid and wrong. I'm told that if I believe these things that I'm a hate-monger, racist, elitist, misogynistic, unforgiving, etc., etc. Are YOU telling me these things? I don't think so...and I hope that I don't paint all atheists/agnostics with that type of broad brush."

These comments followed my contention that "we irreligious folks are told 'ALL Scripture [not just the New Testament] is God-breathed [given by inspiration of God] and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,' AND that the Bible is the moral foundation of American law and government, AND that Bibilical morality is so righteous that atheists, who do not share it, cannot be trusted to run a civilization. I'm actually not arguing for the overthrow of religion. I'm just saying that if we're going to disregard Bible verses none of us like (which is fine, by the way), then maybe we could also disregard the verses in which, say, God calls for the death of all gay people and nonbelievers." This hints at my ultimate purpose, so I'll let Eric have the last word for today:

"I would argue 'ALL Scripture IS God-breathed (given by inspiration of God) and IS useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,' AND that the Bible and its teachings ARE what our country was founded on and the main source of its morality. Does that make our country, those who founded it, and/or the Bible perfect? No. The Bible was inspired by God, yes, but written by and translated (many many times in many many languages) by men. Flawed, human, imperfect, prone to their own agenda...men....

"The REAL point of Christianity isn't being sinless...it's about accepting Gods grace. It's about knowing and accepting that, in fact, you WILL sin, and that if you honestly are repentant for it, you will ALWAYS be forgiven.

"It's too bad that too many Christians and atheists alike can't see that."

...To be continued-er!

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Rereading the Good Book, Part 1

There is a side of me--and this will probably come as no surprise to anyone--that loves making people analyze their lifelong assumptions. I'm in a privileged position, having been through this already when I left the Jehovah's Witnesses at age twenty. Would I donate blood? Would I vote? If so, for which candidates? Did I believe in evolution? Did I object to homosexuality? Knowing Christmas was a pagan winter solstice festival rather than Jesus's birthday, would I celebrate it anyway? These and a hundred other moral questions had to be addressed in a matter of months. It was scary, but also liberating. I knew exactly why I thought what I thought. Few people can honestly say that, I find, unless the answer is, "I believe what it makes me feel better to believe." Not that there's anything wrong with that, obviously, but it never satisfied me.

My Christian friends sometimes post reassuring Bible verses as their Facebook statuses. I decided to join in the game. Partly, I admit, it was out of sheer contrarianism. As my girlfriend says, I can be such a brat. But I also thought it might get people thinking about religion, which, I hoped, would also get them thinking about my book. Which makes a great gift, by the way!

Here was my Facebook status the morning of April 6: "'A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.'--1 Timothy 2:11-15, NIV"

I made a very deliberate choice to open this line of conversation with a verse from the New Testament. Every time I've ever mentioned an oddball verse from the Old Testament (they're both really old, but whatever), I've been reassured that Jesus died to undo all that. Okay, fine. The Old Testament doesn't count...except it so totally does! After all, most of it was allegedly dictated by God, and all of it, we're told in the New Testament, was "God-breathed" or "inspired of God" or however your favorite translation puts it. In other words, if we agree the Old Testament contains nonsensical ideas, then we have to agree that once upon a time God said nonsensical things. Changing His mind about it later doesn't make it any less nonsensical, especially since we're told (in Numbers 23:19) He never changes His mind.

Anyway, I also made sure to use a widely accepted translation, not the New World Translation I grew up with--aka "that wacky Jehovah's Witness Bible." Apparently some Christians believe the New World Translation of my youth contains the history of Middle-Earth or possibly even recipes for baby's blood meat loaf. Needless to say, the fact that an agnostic posted it, not to mention its awe-inspiring douchiness, elicited numerous retorts. I'm sure my brief comment following the verse ("This is the first of a week of thoughts from the Good Book. Meditate, pray, and discuss these Bible insights") didn't put anyone's mind at rest.

As Bugs Bunny once admitted, "Ain't I a stinka?"

By far my favorite response was Cathlena's, who replied to my invitation to "discuss" by saying, "I can't. I'm being quiet." Mega kudos, Cathlena. Now put on your head covering and learn in submission.

James explained Paul's comments applied only to the congregation of Ephesus. I don't think that's true--after all, his instructions immediately above these verses are to "men everywhere"--but either way, it's still a pretty obnoxious thing to say, isn't it? Other Christians, notably Tim, agreed with me that Paul's instructions were intended for every first-century Christian woman.

I want to admit here that Eric completely busted me on a mistake. I said, all too casually, that most Christian denominations frown on female ministers. He quoted Wikipedia's claim that about half of all Protestant (big qualifier!) Christian denominations ordain women. I think it bears pointing out here that there are over a billion Catholics in the world, none of whom are female ministers--but of course, the Roman Catholic Church is said to be Paul's church, so it only makes sense, plus Catholics don't really count.

Also, "women will be saved through childbearing?" What the what?

I began to imagine the following sketch:

MARCI
Hello, this is Marci from Christian Human Resources. Am I speaking to Paul?

PAUL
Ahoy-hoy.

MARCI
Paul, I'm just clearing up a few questions about your file here. Do you have a few minutes free to talk?

PAUL
Sure, I'm just dashing off a letter to the office in Thessaloniki.

MARCI
Oh, I see. Well, that's...Fine. Paul, I noticed in your file here we don't have any copies of those offices' letters back to you.

PAUL
Yeah, I don't really keep those.

MARCI
You don't. Well, uh...Paul, may I ask your last name?

PAUL
Never had one. Just Paul, ya dig? The Paulinator!

MARCI
I beg your pardon?

PAUL
Never mind. Poor choice of words.

MARCI
Right. Well, Mr....Paul, if I could broach a delicate topic here, we've received a complaint about your policy memo to the office in Ephesus.

PAUL
A complaint? Whaddya mean, a complaint?

MARCI
Yes, they sent me a copy. Did you, in fact, write, "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission?"

PAUL
I believe so. Can't imagine why I wouldn't.

MARCI
Uh-huh. Did you also write, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent?"

PAUL
(laughing) Yeah, that sure sounds like me!

MARCI
Paul...surely you realize that creates a rather hostile work environment?

PAUL
A what with the who now?

MARCI
A hostile work environment. It makes our female employees feel...disempowered.

PAUL
I don't remember ever empowering them.

MARCI
You don't--what? Come again?

PAUL
The purpose of women, y'know, the only way they can truly be fulfilled in the eyes of God, is to have children.

MARCI
Paul, you...No, you...(long pause)...Paul, we just can't have you saying things like that around the office, especially since you have a, well, a history of...Paul, I'm looking at your résumé here, and apparently you used to...torture Jewish people?

PAUL
Yeah, back in the day, y'know. I do feel bad about that.

MARCI
I should certainly hope so!

PAUL
You're not Jewish, are you?

MARCI
Yes, as it happens, I am, Paul, not that it bears on our discussion. I was also born in Ephesus.

PAUL
Oh, well. There ya go. Dear Marci, please see above. (laughing) Shut your talk-hole, warmest regards, blah blah blah.

MARCI
I beg your pardon?!

PAUL
I'm just saying.

MARCI
(long pause) Paul, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to run any interoffice emails by me for a while until we can get this matter straightened out.

PAUL
Screen my emails? Are you kidding me right now?

MARCI
No, I most certainly am not! I'll be noting this conversation in your file, Paul, and any further infractions could lead to serious repercussions up to and including possible loss of employment.

PAUL
Yeah, but...you're kind of a woman, so...

(long pause)

To be continued!

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